irregular hunter ex-lax

26 December 05 | 19:20

I forgot to mention a week ago or whenever that I managed to finish up Maverick Hunter X -- although of course in these days of deeply-padded software bonuses that provide a bare minimum of actual additional substance to a game's gestalt, having "finished" the game means "I completed the basic game but have not yet subjected myself to more than a few minutes of the remixed Vile mode due to the same aversion to debilitating pain that prevents me from running a cheese grater across my eyeballs." Not that Vile mode is bad or anything, but it was clearly designed by a committee of frothing misanthropes who enjoy humbling others. The opening stage is packed with vastly more powerful enemies placed in strategically sensible places (making them therefore incredibly inconvenient for the player). It turns out that Vile is only tremendously powerful when fighting X; the rest of the time his exoskeleton may as well be built of delicate porcelain.



No, the game still doesn't explain what a "kuwanger" is.
For those who find the frustrations of standard Vile mode too easy, there's also a "hard" mode (ho ho ho) in which the mighty Vile explodes messily after two or three hits from the bad guys. And if you somehow manage to complete that, the game uses your PSP's built-in wireless capabilities to send a message annoucing your incredible prowess to the mothership. A few days later, you'll be abducted in your sleep, then brainwashed and impressed into the Space Death Corps. Thereafter you'll live your final days fighting as a suicide troop on the frontlines of a brutal war where your chances of survival will be roughly one in 730,000,000. So really, it's probably not worth the trouble of completely finishing the game, since all you'll get for your troubles is a painful death thousands of light years from home, you know?

For all that I cluck disapprovingly at the PSP, I do think Maverick Hunter X is a sign that some developers are on the right track. Badly-controlling 3D platformers and half-hearted PS1 ports aren't the right track, but games like MHX are. Granted, it's a Super NES port, but unlike the vast majority of PS1-to-PSP trash Capcom's actually made an effort with it. The graphics are pretty enough, even if the move from sprites tends to make collision detection a little tetchy; but more to the point, it's a quality game that looks contemporary, plays well and has enough extra goodies to give old-tyme fans a reason to try it out. And completing the game unlocks a 25-minute anime (featuring unnervingly good animation and English voice acting) that is the best kind of fanservice: Expanding and explaining the MMX plotline a little more clearly and showing X and Zero having the stuffing beaten out of them by Sigma.

Sony's cycnical bid to make low-capacity UMDs a viable video platform while the rest of the world -- including, uh, other parts of Sony -- is moving to Blu-Ray or HD-DVD is downright offensive, and anyone who opts to spend $30 for a barebones UMD version of a movie instead of getting the bonus-laden DVD version for $20 is a complete dope. But MHX's mix of game and video actually has a purpose and marks the first time the PSP's game/video hybrid nature has actually seemed like a good idea to me. Well played, Capcom. Truly you are the masters of milking.

Don't panic, though. Most of my gaming time is still spent on the DS. After all, the flowers of the town of Ellysia need a little guidance before they'll cross-pollinate, and the museum's fossil collection isn't going to complete itself. And now that Jacob's Ladders are springing up all over town, I'm going to see if I can create some sort of hybrid super-plant that will devour my lamer neighbors.

posted by: | category: games | forums | fourteen comments | §

sunday merry sunday

25 December 05 | 08:45

Is it a sign of aging when Christmas starts to feel like any other day of the week, mainly because it feels like it's still only October? Or maybe it just means I'm lame.

One longstanding holiday tradition remains intact, though -- my desperate need to be online in the land of the less obsessive has led me to dust off my creaky AOL account so I can check email and skim RSS feeds.

Ho ho ho, Steve Case. I have a new credit card this year, so thanks for the week of free dial-up. And to all, a good night.

posted by: | category: blog | forums | six comments | §

Serene-deputy

23 December 05 | 23:06

I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later -- I finally had Firefly inflicted on me. I'd been avoiding it as vigorously as possible on the theory that anything so universally beloved by other dorks couldn't possibly be good. Case in point being the other series to have Joss Whedon's fingerprints all over it, Buffy, from which badness rises in shimmering waves, like desert heat. But I guess 20 million dorks can't be wrong... all the time.

It's sort of like someone sat back and said, "Hey, wouldn't it be great if that show Enterprise didn't suck?" And instead of just writing a fanfiction in which they served as the convenient Mary Sue catalyst for a cross-century generational meeting between captains Archer and Picard, they went out and created their own show that, like all good shows on Fox, died young. At this point I've only seen a few episodes, and unfortunately I'm stuck for the next week with no access to my roommate's DVDs. I am, however, jonesing to see the further adventures of Captain Malcolm Punchington and his funtastic crew of conveniently diverse personalities. I think only my lack of access to a car (and a general dread of enterting any sort of retail venue within two days on either side of Christmas) will keep me from dropping coin on a set of my own.

What I'm saying here is, "Curse you, other dorks, for being right and making me feel like a cynical tool." You were right. Tell your sister... you were right.

P.S., in happier news it appears I've been ceded the rights to the word "hagiography." Score! This certainly helps compensate for my failings today as an iconclast.

posted by: | category: film | forums | eleven comments | §

i was at moosestompers

22 December 05 | 22:53

Egads, I'm in Texas again. I don't think I'll ever get used to how flat it is here... or at least, I hope I don't, because that would mean I've spent far too long here and not in San Francisco.

Much to my surprise, La Quinta motels offer free wi-fi service. It's not very fast, but holy crap, it's free. Between this and McDonald's and the fact that "classy" places like Barnes & Noble and Starbucks expect you to pay for the privilege of using their facilities to slake your burning thirst for portable broadband (to say nothing of what nice hotels like the W charge), a sort of reverse caste system seems to be growing up about wi-fi. The rich -- or at least those rich enough to pay four bucks for a cup of coffee -- are taxed; the poor -- or at least those with poor enough taste to eat at McDonald's -- are granted free access.

Clearly, this is not a Republican initiative.

P.S., I've decided to name my first child "Rocksauce." Which is yet another reason I figure it would be a good idea for me not to have kids.

P.P.S., When I say that this site is nine years old, I'm including its ignominious three-year stint as a Geocities page. Which no one actually remembers. If you think you do, you're clearly hallucinating.

posted by: | category: blog | forums | eight comments | §

entry zero

20 December 05 | 20:29

To commemorate the fact that this site in its myriad forms is nine years old as of this week, I decided to finally get off my butt and get it working again. In a fit of rash madness, I've gone and mashed together both a blog and a wiki in the same place. But I think I've done my job well enough that unless you look at the URLs or some of the more specific sidebar details, you'd be hard-pressed to tell the two apart. It's a feat I accomplished by stealing someone else's style sheets and templates and bluffing my way through them until everything matched up. As with everything I do, it's a horribly awkward and amateurish attempt to execute a bad idea.

Now that I have an actual blog backend on my site once again, I probably won't be using my 1UP page quite so much. Don't tell the boss.

Naturally, I've gone and implemented this massive change right before going on vacation for a week, where I'll have practically zero Internet access. No, no... no need for congratulations. This sort of thing comes naturally for me.

posted by: | category: blog | forums | 21 comments | §